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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Boas and Boys and Bigots, Oh My!

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Dear Calm and Sense,

What do you do when you see an expression of bigotry? I was dropping my three-year-old off at preschool, when I overheard a father of another child discussing his concerns about his child during “dress-up” time. He indicated sternly, to the preschool teachers, that he did not want his child, a three-year-old boy, to wear a boa, and that he "discourages cross-dressing." The teachers indicated that their practice is to let the children play with all the clothes and decide what they wanted to wear.

I’m appalled by this father. His son is merely at play, but the father can't seem to tolerate any variation from what he believes is the "norm." But I’m not sure what else the preschool teachers could have said. I really feel badly for the little boy, whose play is being controlled at such an early age by a man who seems to be fearful of gender-specific clothing. I see this father and his son fairly regularly, and it all just makes me so sad.

Signed,
Free To Be

Dear Free To Be,

I commend the preschool teachers for not laughing outright at the father and managing a measured response. They were, after all, trying to make their paying customer happy. But in my fantasy, the teachers could have explored the issue more... Picture this alternative scenario:

Father: I don’t want my son to wear a boa.
Teacher: Okay. Why is the boa of concern? Perhaps it is too long? Are you fearing it’s a choking hazard?
Father: No... I just--
Teacher: Because we could just make sure there are skirts and dresses and shirts and pants available—they’ll build his life skills, we want all our students to be able to get dressed independently.
Father: NO! No skirts or dresses, they’re just as--
Teacher: Just as what? They’re not long and skinny like that noose-like boa, they have very large head openings... I don’t understand...

Now, of course, this scenario wouldn’t work in real life, as it's not the best idea to mock a person concerns. It is, however, important to bring attention to a person's fear. Gently, at minimum.

I wish the teachers had said, “we’ll try to redirect your son to other items in the dress-up box if the boa makes you uncomfortable.” Because that’s what this is about: the father’s discomfort.

As for you, a parent of that father’s child’s classmate: All I can suggest is that every chance you get, give that little boy a high-five, a warm hello, a smile, anything, every day, to let him know that he is always appreciated and valued for who he is and whatever he does. If he’s wearing a blue hat, say “nice hat.” If he’s wearing a pink tiara, say “nice tiara.”

Tell that father, when you see him, “Your son is fantastic. My child loves him. He’s such a bright, nice boy.”

When you see a bigot, teach him how not to be one.

Be the change!
Renu

Dear Free to Be,

Remember the outrage (!) just a few months ago over a JCrew ad and pink nail polish? Who knew it was so easy to bring down Western civilization? I'd have done it long ago. 

This came up when our children were in preschool as well. Occasionally at pick-up time boys might be wearing pink tutus or would have painted themselves in all manner of colors. Some parents were uncomfortable, but then three weeks later their children have moved from the tutu to the tank engine for the next two weeks. Young parents read a lot into the small things children do. She likes blocks: future engineer. He enjoys boas: destined to be Priscilla of the Desert. It seems the teachers were great to explain they offer a variety of dress ups and let the kids decide. That is what free play is about. 

As Renu said, just continue to be warm and set an example of acceptance and inclusion. Dad's eyes may open as he sees that others don't share his concerns. 


Be yourself,
Rekha 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Speak Now, or Forever Hold My Peace?

Dear Calm and Sense,
My husband’s sister is ruining our long-planned family vacation with my in-laws. We had a full week planned at the beach, and now, “since we’ll all be there,” she’s throwing in a beachside wedding mid-week. Now our vacation is about her. To be clear, my husband is equally furious with his sister. Moreover, nobody is comfortable with her hubby-to-be. He left her four weeks ago, but now they’re going to get married in six weeks. This is his M.O: if there is a conflict, he picks up and takes off and has done this about twice a year for the past four years that they’ve lived together. I feel someone needs to stop this train wreck. I had a bad first marriage and wish someone had talked to me before I made that mistake. Should I talk to her? -- Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

If you talk to her, make certain it is about her and not the ruin of your vacation. If no one intervened immediately about that plan, it is too late now to stop the wedding planning during your seaside escape.

Even with many, many reasons you may see to stop the love train, stepping in could permanently damage your relationship with your sister-in-law. She may decide to go ahead, but you will forever be the one who didn’t support her and tried to save your vacation at her expense. Ask yourself if you would have listened to anyone, had they expressed their reservations about your first husband just weeks before your wedding.

Good luck!
Rekha

Dear Conflicted,

What a nightmare! And it really is a nightmare—like that kind where you see danger coming and you scream but your voice doesn’t work or you run and your legs don’t move?

Don’t scream. Don’t move. You’ll wake up soon…. With a sun-kissed glow!

Easier said than done, I know, but here’s the thing. Your sister-in-law has been dating a dork for four years now, endured heartbreak at least eight times by your count, and her family hasn’t yet stepped in to say, “Is this really the guy for you?” That’s probably because—at least in part—your sister-in-law is a grown woman entitled to make her own choices.

You too, are a grown woman, entitled to a nice vacation that you’ve planned for—one without drama and only relaxation. So have it. A midweek beach wedding sounds like a casual, laid back affair… maybe some extra people, but you weren’t going to be on a private beach, anyway, right?

You and your husband can have a little commitment ceremony of your own right before that wedding—commit to enjoying yourselves, no matter what the vacation becomes. Don’t let it be about her. Make it about the sand between your toes.

And wear sunscreen!
Renu

Mother, Heal Thyself

Dear Calm and Sense,
I am frustrated by my mother’s lack of attention to her medical condition. She knows what she needs to do in order to feel better and get better, but she still continues to ignore her doctor’s advice. I can’t make her take her medication or do the physical therapy. What can I do?
--Frustrated Daughter

Dear Frustrated,

Changing behavior around longer-term medical conditions is among the most difficult things to do. It took a massive heart attack to get our father to quit a 50-year cigarette habit, but exercise is still on the back burner for him. My mother-in-law does her post hip-surgery PT rather sporadically, even though she readily admits that it does make her feel much better.

Sometimes, it is helpful to get to the bottom of what is preventing the change. Is the medication causing other side effects that her doctor should know about? Does physical therapy hurt? Do dietary changes make her feel left out of family meals?

You can try just letting her know how much you care about her well being and support those efforts she does make. Small steps are better than no movement at all.

All the best,
Rekha

Dear Frustrated,

Sometimes a patient is impatient. They simply want the medical problem they have to go away, or they can’t be bothered to follow treatment advice.

I speak from recent experience as an impatient patient—I told a paramedical team that I simply didn’t have time to go to the emergency room to have my kneecap re-located to its rightful position in my knee, as I had things to do. (Really. There are witnesses.)

Mothers, I think, can be very impatient when it comes to their own health. They’re often the primary caregivers in their families, tending to everybody around them and putting their own needs last, if on the list at all.

You should definitely try, as Rekha suggests, letting her know how much you care about her and support whatever effort she makes toward her recovery.

Depending on the relationship you have with your mother, I also wonder if a little reverse-guilt trip might be in order. I recall telling our mother that, in spite of her protests, we would buy some fancy ice packs for her knees (her doctor had suggested icing them, but she felt it was too much of a hassle). I recall putting them on her legs myself, expressing all manner of exasperation when she hemmed and hawed about using them. She laughed at my bossiness, and wore them, probably only to make me happy. But she wore them. And she felt better.

Now, if your mother is more stubborn and more impatient than you, your frustration may end up a chronic condition, too—nobody wants to fight with mom. What you do will depend on your own level of patience.

Good luck,
Renu

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Chores for the Grade-School Set?

Hi, We are looking for ideas of chores that 6 and 8 year olds could do to help around the house (and not drive me crazy by having me help them do it, or having to nag them to do it). So, I would love ideas for chores, as well as ideas on how to make them want to do chores!--Verity

Dear Verity:
One of my favorite expressions from our children’s preschool teacher was, “don’t make your mom (or dad) do your work for you.” I feel like we should find ways for everyone to contribute to the household management. Yes, it is drudgery sometimes, but it has to be done. If everyone is invested in maintaining the home, then the family is all part of the team. Conversely, if one person shoulders all of the responsibility, it isn’t right—and kids have a keen sense of fairness. It is harder at first, because they do need help to learn how to do the tasks. But they and you are rewarded by satisfaction in a job well done.

We’ve tried to play into what they enjoy doing in addition to needs to be done. Gadgets like the steam mop seem popular with one child and another particularly loves yard work. I too hate to remind or “nag,” so when the kids were in elementary school I had a chore chart and suggested that if they made their beds and tidied their rooms and play areas without reminders for two weeks without prompting, they’d earn a reward. I once tried this in a punitive fashion with a token fine for unmade beds, but my younger son merely saw this as paying me for housework. (I am not his maid.) Some tasks are a matter of building habits. For example, when they finish a meal, they plop their dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink. Other chores are weekly. We’ll do a weekend morning of chores to catch up on all the tasks that build up. We work together on some things and divide up other tasks. When we’re done the evening is free for relaxing.
Now that the kids are a few years from college, I want to make sure they can handle a washing machine and cook a few simple meals.

Good luck to you!
Rekha

Dear Verity:
Agreed on all fronts, and I’ll add what seems, so far, to work really well with my four- and six-year-olds: I turn them into superheroes.

I set the timer on the microwave oven and let them know that they have X number of minutes to complete their mission (the chore in question). Then—and I’m so incredibly grateful this has never been captured on a digital or other recording device—I sing the theme song to “SuperWhy,” altering the lyrics to suit whatever it is the kids are doing. For example, “Who’s got the power, the power to clean? The power to pick up all of their toys? SuperWhy? Super Cleaners! You’re both so good at cleaning, SuperWhy!”

Okay, now that I’ve typed that out I feel utterly ridiculous, but it works. They smile and giggle (I really ham it up when I’m singing) and are distracted from the fact that they’re doing something I told them to do. It’s worked when they hem and haw about getting into the bathtub or standing still for teeth flossing, too (though I don’t use a timer in those situations).

As for specific household chores—my kids have asked to help me with dusting, using the hand vacuum, folding their laundry... They don’t do things as exactly as I do them, but then, who does — or could? (I’m a maniac.) They are really good at putting piles of folded laundry in the right room or drawer, set the table, take their dishes from table to counter... Things like that. I tend to give them chores that are in line with the kind of “work” or responsibilities they have in preschool or Kindergarten.

Here’s to SuperChores!
Renu

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Play as hard as you work

Dear Calm and Sense:

I can’t stop thinking about work. I try to come home, relax, spend time with my family, enjoy golf or yoga, but try as I might, work creeps back in: I end up golfing less, missing yoga class, and being distracted when I’m home. Sometimes I dream about it, or wake up thinking about it. It irritates me, but I just can’t seem to stop. What can I do? -- Seeking Balance

Dear Seeking Balance:

It’s not enough, as you know, to try not to think about work. You have to get your body involved, too. Bear with me here.

Your question reminds me of a physical therapy exercise I recently had to do after a knee injury: you stand on a balance board (a tiny see-saw), feet shoulder-width apart and balance yourself on the board. The first few times I did it, I’d get extremely frustrated when the board tipped to one side. But the exercise was about maintaining reasonable balance over time, not achieving perfect balance forever. Wobbling was inevitable, balancing required continuous effort.

If you’re trying to balance work and life, it’s going to require continuous effort.

Make the effort, and execute. Attend that yoga class religiously. Pay for classes up front; you might be less likely to miss them. Join a golf league where other players depend on your participation. Ask your family to hide your laptop and phone from you when you get home. There’s a good chance that the more non-work things you do, the less you’ll think about work.

It’s worth a try, right?
Renu

Dear Seeking Balance:

I love Renu’s approach on this. It is completely natural to find yourself off balance from time to time. But as someone who practice yoga, you are aware that striving for a centered life is more rewarding. Adding accountability to personal and family time are great ideas to help you reach those goals.


Try to reframe the “down time” as recharging time for your job if that is more comfortable. Evenings, weekends, and vacations that are truly free from office distractions allow your brain to become more creative and engaged when you are at work. You are then a more productive and valuable employee, and it sets a great example for all of those around you.

Good luck!
Rekha

Friday, June 10, 2011

Financial Advice That Might Be Up Our Alley...

I love the idea of getting children focused on their financial health early. I noticed in a recent Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article that many adult children are still relying on their parents for financial support. In the example given in the paper, the parents of a young woman making six figures were still covering her auto insurance. The same article mentioned that some parents delay their own retirement or other financial goals in their lives to meet the needs of their parasites--I mean children.

Later today, a friend mentioned a situation where a mother was sending her 28 year old son money--even though she suspected the money also supported his girlfriend. She's not sure this is the best relationship for her son, but she doesn't want to stop the monetary support.

Yikes! We all want to support our kids and ensure that they have the tools and resources they need to succeed happily, but that is different from giving them such a wonderful crutch that it keeps them from standing on their own feet.

Financial Advice: We can't give it, but...

A reader asks what our take is on various investment vehicles for retirement or college education. We cannot offer financial advice: it's beyond the scope of this blog and the contributors' expertise.

We will say that we commend any effort to save for the future. A household's financial capacity determines whether to save for retirement and/or college. If a choice must be made between the two--choose retirement. If you are fortunate enough to be able to save for one or both, we'd encourage a consultation with a certified financial planner through your preferred financial institution to discuss the best investment vehicles.

And get this--your children, even if very young, can learn to save, too. Check out "For me, for you, for Later" brought to us all by Sesame Street.



Duality

Anonymous asks:
Are joy and pain really just two sides of the same coin? Like sunshine and rain?

Here's our Calm and Sense:
Yes, definitely two sides of the same coin--even two halves of the same side of the coin. Check out zenhabits for an interesting and very recent take on the concept. Of course, Rob Bass already understands it completely.