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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Mother, Heal Thyself

Dear Calm and Sense,
I am frustrated by my mother’s lack of attention to her medical condition. She knows what she needs to do in order to feel better and get better, but she still continues to ignore her doctor’s advice. I can’t make her take her medication or do the physical therapy. What can I do?
--Frustrated Daughter

Dear Frustrated,

Changing behavior around longer-term medical conditions is among the most difficult things to do. It took a massive heart attack to get our father to quit a 50-year cigarette habit, but exercise is still on the back burner for him. My mother-in-law does her post hip-surgery PT rather sporadically, even though she readily admits that it does make her feel much better.

Sometimes, it is helpful to get to the bottom of what is preventing the change. Is the medication causing other side effects that her doctor should know about? Does physical therapy hurt? Do dietary changes make her feel left out of family meals?

You can try just letting her know how much you care about her well being and support those efforts she does make. Small steps are better than no movement at all.

All the best,
Rekha

Dear Frustrated,

Sometimes a patient is impatient. They simply want the medical problem they have to go away, or they can’t be bothered to follow treatment advice.

I speak from recent experience as an impatient patient—I told a paramedical team that I simply didn’t have time to go to the emergency room to have my kneecap re-located to its rightful position in my knee, as I had things to do. (Really. There are witnesses.)

Mothers, I think, can be very impatient when it comes to their own health. They’re often the primary caregivers in their families, tending to everybody around them and putting their own needs last, if on the list at all.

You should definitely try, as Rekha suggests, letting her know how much you care about her and support whatever effort she makes toward her recovery.

Depending on the relationship you have with your mother, I also wonder if a little reverse-guilt trip might be in order. I recall telling our mother that, in spite of her protests, we would buy some fancy ice packs for her knees (her doctor had suggested icing them, but she felt it was too much of a hassle). I recall putting them on her legs myself, expressing all manner of exasperation when she hemmed and hawed about using them. She laughed at my bossiness, and wore them, probably only to make me happy. But she wore them. And she felt better.

Now, if your mother is more stubborn and more impatient than you, your frustration may end up a chronic condition, too—nobody wants to fight with mom. What you do will depend on your own level of patience.

Good luck,
Renu

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